Louder than sirens, louder than bells

Sweeter than heaven and harder than hell.

Listening to Flo+TheMachine to calm my nerves as I write this. My SMU Law interview is in 2 days…I am as unprepared as I can ever be. Preparations can be done. You can research (I just did- I actually started last week), make notes, store facts in your head, but nothing beats passion. Okay this is so cliche, but yeah passion. I am not emotionally ready, I have facts but I believe facts mean nothing when you don’t believe them. When I went for Yale-NUS and USP interviews, I knew my objective unequivocally. I knew I wanted to impress them, I went in feeling so inspired, so pumped up to share about my love for Literature. I get like, multiple face-lifts during those interviews- “What are your favorite books/films?”- cue smile and straightened back.  “What do you find most inspiring about the study of Literature?”- cue Aristotle and Roman Polanski talk. “Why do you want to study Law?”- I will probably get a mini heart attack even though I saw that one coming.

I don’t know why I want to study Law. Yeah there is the whole “uphold justice, Law is about fairness man.” reasoning, but it’s not personal. Again, there is no passion. I don’t have this strong love for it- I know so many people that truly truly wants to do Law (for what reason, I’m not sure but they just really want it.), but I am just not adamant about studying it at all. And this really does not sit well with me. I’m going for an interview without feeling even a modicum amount of excitement- not good, really not good. Nerves were there for the other interviews for sure, but above all I was excited. This time it’s just not there and it sucks.

The only good reason (though it may be unfathomable for many) I can find to justify me going for this interview is God. God really spoke to me during the SMU Open House- the whole Ling Yan encounter is just too divine…it’s as if God ordained our meeting. 

I just need to trust God, if I give my 100% for this interview, God will too.

“Oh, here I stand arms open wide. Oh, I am yours and you are mine. Jesus.”

Carroll Borland in Mark of the Vampire (1935)

I love my Sun

You are the dark cloud that slowly hides the beaming rays

You move at your own speed and pace

When there’s rain you are always there

But my dear,

you are my sun, frolic and fun.

Our shadow represents our truest self, our darkest inner-world…which sometimes hovers around carelessly like an ectoplasmic phenomenon.

Was reading Murakami’s Dance Dance Dance, damn that book got me thinking. Real hard. I was utterly fascinated with the whole notion of shadows, went into a state of ideation…how important they are to man, yet so easily forgotten, so easily shoved into our memory, so easily and carelessly folded into a piece of diaphanous cloth- abandoned, cherished little, deemed as equivocal. The man who gets his shadow cut away, loses his self, his identity, his whole world. A shadow gets hungry, it needs food and water- a shadow does not even deserve to be called it. A shadow contains our memories, our dreams, our hopes- imagine living without living our shadow- it’s like living without a mind. A shadow follows us, with immense closeness, we often lament how we are often lonely without realizing our shadow is our closest, truest, purest friend. She does not lie, cheat, or change- she just imitates, she mimes, she will never leave me.

The truest form of a shadow will take form as our darkest world, a world that only exists in our subconscious, the world that we can either want to enter and live, or leave behind so badly.

“If only I could choke my shadow off, I’d get some health.” 

I thought of my shadow, what she represented and what she contained. I would love to choke, and to strangle my shadow like Gotanda too. That dark world still exists, sometimes I feel as if my one foot is still in that world. It’s like living with my eyes wide shut, though my past is already fait accompli.

My other foot is a constant reminder to my bad foot- gratitude, grace, love, tolerance, repose, acceptance, order, salvation, redemption. 

“Man is born free but everywhere he is in chains”. How apt, how onerous, how tragic. Such a convolution. 

Just when I thought this week is busy enough, God presented me with another task, another privilege, another chance. I AM SHORTLISTED FOR YALE-NUS INTERVIEW!!! Was bursting with joy when I received their email. I love love love liberal arts (people should stop thinking L.A is for fickle-minded people who can’t decide what they want to do- there are people like me who just love every subject in L.A ok?!) 

BUT. the bug BUT(T). Just joking hahaha (in a very jovial mod now). BUT, it’s on the same day as SMU Law interview. My first reaction- jaw dropped. Seriously?! My brain will be fried after an essay and grilling group interview, now I have another one on the same day?! SWAY. Thankfully, you get to choose your timing!! So I have SMU in the morning, Yale in the afternoon, giving myself enough time to prepare (at work HAHA), calm the hell down and recharge. 

AND AND AND the best thing is…my interview is conducted at Starbucks!!! Like WHUT?! Hahah I had to double (or triple) read my email to confirm that it’s REALLY Starbucks. As in Starbucks Coffee. As in THE Starbucks Coffee where people CHILL, and not conduct interviews. Quite happy that it’s there, a relaxing environment is greatly appreciated. Yay.

Really looking forward to the Yale one, I think I will just carry an I-don’t-care attitude for SMU- NOT. Tempted, just tempted…but will not. Will be forcing myself to think straight and be serious for the essay and interview, though it’s seriously easier said than done. How to take this seriously when you don’t even want it that badly?! Sigh.

Still very grateful for all these opportunities though, really really want to thank God. These mean the world to me. I hope people don’t wonder, why this girl get interview only so happy already, interview doesn’t guarantee acceptance. Yes I know, but I am just so grateful for interviews because I would never expect myself to get them! I have grades that can be easily surpassed, so of course I am happy I can get an interview slot. It’s better than nothing (:< Who cares about whether I get it in the end, if I don’t it would just give me less choices, less things to consider, fasting decision-making process, no?

Praise God, shall do my best for all my interviews, will do it to bring Him glory!

When the oceans rise and thunders roar, I will soar with you above the storm. 

Next week will be a very very hectic week! Easter, SMU Law interview (heart dropped to my guts at the mention of this), THE CONFESSION (heart just dropped again).

For Easter I am baking rainbow cupcakes with JX!!! Ahhh going to bake for church peeps yay, and JX is coming for Easter service!!! Praise God! It’s going to be our virgin baking experience (I am ignoring my sec school Home Econs baking- those were too amateurish HAHA) and I got to say- we seriously have a lot of guts. First time baking still want to bake something so complicated, and we are still making butterscotch icing?! Hahaha seriously, we are very very ambitious. But what’s wrong with that right (:< JX says I sound like a baker, SMOKE ONLY hahaha thanks to Masterchef I know things like- waiting for your cupcakes to cool before putting your icing or it will melt heh

As for the SMU Law interview, my gosh my palms are sweating as my fingers type AHHH I am so nervous for all the wrong reasons. I was nervous for USP because I really wanted it (then, as for now I am not so sure hmmm), I knew I really need to do well and impress the people. I am nervous for Law because I am simply unprepared. Clueless, full of doubts, and very very afraid. I don’t even know why I want this (parent’s expectations?), have no freaking background knowledge (okay except for those Micheal Connelly novels I read- hope they will help somehow), and there is an essay to write!!! Give me a literature essay to write anytime but this?! I don’t even know what to expect. Heard it’s like GP, only 15 minutes, and you just have to use your common sense. I really hope it’s like that- then again my common sense is not really there so hahaha okay. Did I mention- I HATE GROUP INTERVIEWS. I really dislike the whole let’s-see-who-answers-the-most-questions vibe. Will not speak on impulse, will not be pressured to speak, will only open my mouth when necessary/I have something smart to say. Ahhhh I really don’t know what to do, feel like skipping it (yes I am very very afraid) but I can’t, that divine encounter during SMU Open House cannot be ignored. (long story- I have so many long stories!) Sighhh either way, I will just give this a shot. 

THE CONFESSION. It’s so important it needs to be in CAPS. I plan to do it this week, no matter what. It’s really about time. 2 Timothy 1:7- for God did not give us a spirit of timidity but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. I can do this, because I have faith in God, God will help me through this and He will deliver.

I seriously need to stop writing poems that have so much negative emotions haha but I can’t help myself. It’s just a form of expression. In the past when I am angry I would just post some comment on fb, but I’ve come to realize social media is a horrid place to vent frustrations- they are eyes everywhere. Writing poems breed tolerance okay, after I write I feel better. Happy that I wrote something, glad that I didn’t blab on twitter and make my anger so obvious. 

Not saying that it’s great to put it on tumblr- everyone can still see it because the address is shining brightly on my twitter page, but when I convey my emotions into a poem, it’s up for open interpretation. If you feel like I am talking about you, congrats- you should feel honored lor (:< Not everyone who gets pissed off at you writes a poem for (and about) you, you know.

Need to start writing about happier stuff, but honestly happy poems are very difficult to write? No idea why. I am a happy person okay?! Happiness is seen in my daily actions, it’s only the deepest feelings, the feelings that are the hardest to convey in simple words- that need to be written in words you carefully choose on your own.

Righteous

She keeps her chin higher than her heels

Sometimes I doubt she even feels.

She thinks she has a high-flying job and that makes her cool

But she is as boring as a doorknob

and have a stinky attitude.

Keep your self-righteousness,

it belongs to your cold dark soul

Together with your pretentious suits- you care so much about how you look.

I don’t need your lectures, I’m holding back my puke.

(Wrote this when I felt maligned, really dislike it when people act like they know everything. They can’t tell the difference between clueless and pure denial, pure fun. Whoa you need to chill seriously, loosen up those knitted brows.)

Yay so I am going to talk about today’s USP interview.

First impressions of University Town- too bright, many eateries (A PLUS), so many ang mohs. Thank God for clear directions, and Lynn for calling me at midnight to give me proper directions from her brother (screw SMRT journey planner). Managed to find my way there with an extra 45 minutes- sat at some bench and prayed, and prayed. Prayed for God to calm my heart, prayed that I would get friendly people to interview me, prayed for God to be with me…and just let His will be done.

So the interview. I think it went pretty well, we talked a lot. Not going to discuss what was asked and what I answered- too lazy haha! But I have to mention this- in the midst of discussing which science module I would take given that I am an art student, I mentioned Simplicity because it’s always important to unravel chaos, to understand the start of every complicated process. After all, understanding is made up of misunderstandings, given my many misunderstandings about science- learning about Simplicity would strip away the fanciful theories and allow easier understanding. Guess what one of them said, “Yes, in fact you are very right about that.” WL SUCH BEAUTIFUL WORDS!! Hahaha I was so happy okay (‘: I shall take it as a good sign haha! Yay.

Really wanna thank God for this opportunity- regardless of whether I get this, I am just so grateful. Actually I don’t even know whether I would accept their offer if they do offer me the program, the amount of money you have to pay for residential is like a thousand per month (WITHOUT AIR-CON, 2 thousand plus with. WL!)- CRAZY. When I start working I will take forever to pay back my parents/the bank seriously. Shall pray about it, if it’s God’s plan for me to go for USP He must have some awesome plan to help me financially in the future!

When I was waiting for the interview SMU called (great timing (:<). Next Thursday interview for law ahhhhh. Funny how the person didn’t mention the essay test over the phone, hopefully they scraped it HAHA but I don’t think so lah, probably wil be another day or something ):< Not looking forward to the essay…or the interview. Oh well, shall just give it a shot.

Our God is an awesome God, He reigns from Heaven above with wisdom, power and love. 

Our God is an awesome God.

Lead me to the cross,

Where your love poured out.

Bring me to my knees,

Lord I lay me down.

Rid me of myself,

I belong to you.

Nervous, but still confident because I am doing this with God.

Not over-thinking about the interview, but my nerves will definitely kick in full force tomorrow morning.

Many things to take care of and check tonight- my attire (dress and blazer, not going to wear a suit), make-up (natural obviously- foundation, blusher, thin liner, mascara and modicum gloss or I will blind the USP people with shiny lips), map (extremely important even though they seldom work), transport directions (my greatest fear), rounding up my research and homework (no memorized answers, just some back-up information in case I blank out or need to substantiate my statements)…and a calm heart, and a facial mask before I sleep.

Off to read my research again, and picturing myself in the interview- which always make me more confident on the day itself. Probably because you are much more relaxed when you talk to yourself (don’t judge me).

Thank you God for this opportunity, it means the world to me.

Lean on me

Sweet deposition to you from me

Crush those papers that are unclean.

Burn them, till they become dark black ash

Let them free,

the wind, the air.

Sweet dreams are made of this.

I’m your canvas, your twenty eight grand bitch

Some of them want to use you

Only for you- I am free.

Some of them want to be used by you

Giving is a sacrifice, a donation, a sugar-coated prick

Use me, paint me, give me your weights

Let us walk together with 3 legs.

I will ordain:

I want to be your everything,

let’s start again.

With you, I have freedom in your grasp

just lean on me.

28/3/12